You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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