I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
