So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
