My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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