I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
