i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
