between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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