you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You ate ashes out of my bong
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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