Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Come on in and take your pants off
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