I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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