I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
