Who wears a wallet chain?!
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
