Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
