I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
