I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
