Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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