I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
