Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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