I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
