what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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