watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
