I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My bed smells like the plague
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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