I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
