tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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