I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She bit a glass in half.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
