I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
A bitchslap is in order.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
