I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
