birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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