I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
