Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
