We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
