shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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