I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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