Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
