college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
