a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
