suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
