my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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