This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
that may or may not have been my penis.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
