dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
