You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
