How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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