be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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