he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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