i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
