Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
