i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
