My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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