Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
