Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
